My boy got in the car yesterday and after rehashing his day, he looked at me with his big brown eyes, “So, Mom, how was your day?” Then, I offered all that I accomplished that day: the projects completed, the household chores done, the exercise attempted, the meals cooked or groceries purchased, the friends seen, the prayers prayed, the homework completed for class, etc. And after the response given, there was the so familiar pit in my stomach: that aching pit that seems to say, “You are not enough. No matter what, you cannot accomplish enough.”
This may be the hardest post, yet, because I feel forced to share from a more vulnerable spot. Since starting this blog, there have been a wide array of responses: 1. “Thanks for being real and vulnerable.” 2. “I’m proud of you.” 3. “Should you say so much or share so much?” 4. “There’s too much fluff.” And on and on the comments go……If I were putting myself out there for notoriety, truly nothing innately good would come to fruition. Yes, God can take impure motives and still use these places as a catapult for something greater. Here’s the truth: I write and share because I feel His pleasure by showing up, by being real, and by exposing my heart.
As fall has arrived and as acorns are falling to the ground, I have often thought about the life of the little acorn. I’ve wrestled with the vastness of the presence they become. Isn’t it fascinating that something so small becomes something so large? Something seemingly insignificant becomes a defining force in our little neighborhood….
“In Christ, we are not held to a standard of perfection—we are held close by His arms of Grace. And there is no greater relief to be found in all the world: There is always more grace in Christ than there is guilt in us.” Ann Voskamp
These timely words arrived to my heart this morning via twitter. Some would say just how frivolous this social media technology is as others can easily expound on some of its beauty. Instead of inviting critical thinking here, wonder if God can really use it, silly it, for the edification and strengthening of His children?
“Lord, You have been our dwelling place throughout all generations.” Psalm 90:1
“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’ ” Psalm 91:1-2
“For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.” Psalm 91:11
As I hung up the phone this morning with a dear friend battling stage four cancer, my heart just plain ole hurt.
My boy leaves today to begin his sophomore year at Ole Miss; and today he will leave behind a mom and dad along with two adoring brothers (at times) and a little Maltipoo, Sallie! I hate goodbyes; but I love hellos. There’s just something rather anxiety provoking about the goodbyes. It’s the “what-lies-ahead.” It’s the “not-going-with.” It’s the letting go and trusting him to grow. It’s the not needing me so much anymore. It’s the grieving of not having him home with whom to laugh, to be, and to engage. It’s just a part of our family leaves today and with the departure comes the realization, that change is here. It is not around the corner but right here.
“It’s another lung collapse; in fact, it is the worst one yet. Come with me to look at the scan! I’m not sure who your thoracic physician thinks he is, but he cannot operate on that lung. You will lose part of your lung, your entire lung, or your life!” A pulmonologist
“Come unto Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30″
“I, the Lord do not change….” Malachi 3:6
“…Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior….” Isaiah 43:31-3
Life is a series of transitions. Transitions from picking up toys and cheerios to arranging carpools. From one job to the next. From one crisis to another. From getting out of shape to committing to being back in that gym. From cooking and cleaning to enjoying time with friends and family. From slower days of summer to new beginnings of the school year.
Water is by far one of the most abundant resources available to us on the planet; yet, in some places, it it profoundly difficult to acquire steady supplies like in California presently or difficult to provide clean water without harmful bacteria to live like in Africa. Great strides though are being accomplished now in California and in Africa with the water desalination efforts and the well efforts. We humans were made to be dependent on water; and Jesus uses the illustrations over and over in scripture to broadcast to our deepest need of thirst. A thirst that parallels no other. A thirst that only can be quenched by Another. A thirst that can only be validated when we surrender to our deepest need.
I love to write; I passionately love to write simply because I am forced to articulate what is actually going on in my head and in my heart. It may be good at times but at other times, it may just seem like an endless chatter of verbosity exploding on a piece of perfectly good paper or computer screen. Starting a blog, even if it is primarily for my little sphere of influence, still is daunting as to which direction to start. I could simply dive into story telling or sharing; however, I have come to believe it is important to understand the lens of how I view life and understand life.
Today as the cursor is blinking and beckoning my next word, I am slightly overwhelmed by the task at hand. To step into something different. To step into the arena. To step up to the plate and perhaps, get an “out!” Even as I attempt to write on performance, the truth is that I long to please. I long to encourage one lost soul who is struggling. I long to perform well so that Jesus is pleased. But, could it be that Jesus is pleased with me regardless of my performance? In fact, He loves to show me just how perfect is never attainable; therefore, I am in great need of a Savior. The performance treadmill pervades into every area of our lives; and we begin to define ourselves by how much we have accomplished as well as how well we have accomplished it. We push our kids to achieve good grades and to perform well in sports; yet, the most blessed part should just be the process. The process of hard work. The process of showing up. The process of perseverance. The process.
Welcome! For some time now, I have debated, prayed, and attempted to enumerate all the wonderful reasons NOT to blog. There are so many out there in cyberspace. There are many more gifted writers and communicators; yet, God keeps bringing me back to the place of trusting His purposes. He continues to beckon me out of my comfort zone; to step out in faith; and to trust that He can use even a broken, sinner such as myself to be a conduit of His grace and mercy. Life is a struggle; and C.S. Lewis reminds us that we were made for another world. Until home, God often allows our props to be derailed to the point of utter dependence on the Only One who can calm the storm and the Only One who can truly rescue us. He often ushers us to the point of collapse.